How to Find Balance & Avoid Burnout from Parenting Author Andy Shaw

A few years ago, I was asked to speak at a blogger conference in Philly. Admittedly, large group settings make me nervous but I said yes anyway because it was a cool opportunity. The first night of the conference weekend was an event just for speakers. I didn’t know anyone there and forced myself to walk around the room to make small talk.

Eventually I met my now friend Andy. I’m pretty sure he introduced himself saying something like, “Hey, I’m Andy and I have three kids.” I was taken off guard I’m sure, because he followed that up with, “Oh, I’m here because I’m a blogger too. I’m working on my first book.” 

At the time, I was a year into trying to get pregnant with Vienna. There was nothing I wanted more than to be a mom. I loved chatting with parents of young children, because it gave me insight on a life I hoped to have soon. Andy spilled all the details about being a parent of three in a way that wasn’t pretentious and “know-it-all” but more like these are my experiences and I’m just trying to make it through each day in one piece. 

Andy just released his second parenting book and is here today to answer a few questions about parenting – including finding balance, being more present with your children, overcoming challenges and more.

Hey Andy. Introduce yourself.

I’m Andy, a father of three, author, and creator of instafather.com. I’m an advocate of dads getting more involved right away in parenting, which is one reason why I wrote “The New Mom’s Guide to New Dads” as a way for new moms to understand what in the world new dads are thinking (and why we privately freak out). I also wrote “The Guys’ Guide to Being a Birth Partner,” also out this year, which gives dads all the guidance, technical terms, and even illustrations of delivery positions they could ever need. I live in York, PA with my wife, our 7-year-old son, and our 5-year-old twin girls.

What surprised you most when you were a new parent?

The sheer mental exhaustion. I remember being physically tired of course, but it was the fact that you never can get out of the mental fog you’re in. You’re too tired to think clearly — and that’s with two involved parents — and the wave of needs by this little baby make it hard to concentrate on anything else. But the thing is, you get through the day. And the next one. And soon enough, they aren’t a little baby anymore. You’ve both grown. 

What is the biggest misconception of being a new dad vs. being a new mom?

I get tired of Hollywood clichés about klutzy dads who can’t handle a baby on their own. I talk in “The New Mom’s Guide” about guys seeing these uninvolved fathers in movies over the years and, combined with a lack of their own experience with babies, it’s not a surprise you see so many new fathers freak out. But the biggest misconception is that a new dad can’t be just as involved. Sure, he can’t breastfeed, but he can do almost anything else. He needs to take initiative, and moms need to be willing to say “You should be involved” rather than hope for it.

What have you found to be the biggest challenge for new parents?

One is obvious – you have this newfound fear all the time, and it takes a long time to fade. Everything seems like you’re Indiana Jones escaping the Temple of Doom, but instead of a boulder, it’s a blankie that might suffocate your baby or a cough that makes you frantically Google. By the second kid, you realize what’s worth worrying about. (You don’t see seasoned parents boiling pacifiers, I’ll say that much.)

The other big challenge isn’t so obvious. It’s the communication. When you’re parenting with someone, you have to trust each other, you have to be willing to let the other person make mistakes without holding it over their head, and you have to be honest if you’re having a tough time rather than just a bad day. Otherwise, resentment can build, or deeper issues such as depression can lurk undetected.

In today’s COVID world, having the help from your “village” might not be feasible. Do you have advice for new parents on how to find a support group?  

First up, I know several families who had babies this year, and honestly, wow. You are amazing. Yes, you can’t have that usual village, but there’s a blessing there. Early on, everyone wants to come see your baby, and I think more people wish they could just be left alone for a bit than they’d admit. You feel like you have to entertain, and you’re too tired for that!

Still, you need support. Your village might be a nightly Facetime with another parent for a few minutes after the baby is asleep, and that friend can let you just vent. Support could also look like someone dropping off groceries at your doorstep. Or getting you packs of diapers so you don’t have to risk being at the store. And if possible, taking a stroller walk so you can get fresh air and remind yourself of the outside world! Dads, that’s a great idea for you — take that stroller walk and let mom sleep, no quid pro quo.

Feeling overwhelmed is something so many parents struggle with, especially new parents.  Can you share a few parenting hacks you rely on to make things run smoothly in your day-to-day life?    

My big secret isn’t a fair one — I’m married to someone who makes me want to be a better parent. But there are “hacks” that anyone can do. I’m a big believer in dads taking ownership of some routines so moms have less on their mental “to do” list (I don’t find that guys think like that!). This can lessen overwhelm as long as you aren’t making moms ask five times about it.

Also, and this is as big as anything: Do not forget you are more than a parent. You are not just a mom. Or just a dad. You’re an amazing person, and you’re allowed to keep up with a hobby, or keep pursuing your side hustle, or whatever makes you still you. You don’t need to justify it. If you put all your energy into being a parent, you’re going to feel overwhelmed because it can be so intense.

Lastly, keep a date night if you’ve got a partner. It doesn’t have to be romantic. It can just be non-baby time. (If COVID means you don’t have a babysitter, it can mean a night where you get takeout and have the phones off.) I know it’s so much right now, but one day your kid won’t need you every single second. Just every five minutes.

Do you have any favorite resources for destressing (podcasts, books, etc.)?

I am still an avid sports fan and will read up on anything related to my favorite teams (I’m a sad Pittsburgh Pirates fan), since parenting means I miss most every game I want to watch. The good thing is when you’re rocking forever or holding someone’s hand at 3 a.m., you can bang out a lot of binge watching, so I’d say don’t feel guilty about adding a streaming service, either; I would never get to see anything in the past five years, otherwise. My wife and I would both individually watch a series as we could and catch up after. Bookwise, I’m a big nonfiction reader, but I made an exception recently and read Beartown. It’s incredible.

What are some ways to be more present with your children?

Having realistic expectations. I am not going to be present with my kids all the time, especially when I have no buffer between my work-from-home setup and them. I will tell them, “Dad needs 10 minutes” and then I can do what they need. (And to be candid, I sometimes have entire days when dad just needs to mentally check out).

But if you say, “I’m never going to look at my phone when my baby gets older,” you are not being honest with yourself. I don’t believe you. I’m sure you’re only going to feed them homemade pasta and steamed veggies too.

For parents with multiple children, what is the best way to ensure all children get equal attention?

That’s a tough one when you have twins! I don’t think it’s about equal attention as much as undivided attention — sometimes, one of my kids just wants mom or dad to only talk to them for 5 minutes, and they are good. They don’t care if someone else gets it for 30 minutes.

My wife does “Mommy and Me” days. Each kid gets to pick whatever they want to do and wherever they want to eat, and they go out with just Mommy. They absolutely love it, and since they plan it, it makes them feel special. It doesn’t even have to cost a lot.

You’ve recently released your second book, “The Guys’ Guide to Being a Birth Partner.” What are a few tips from that book that current parents can use in their day to day lives?

Much of what I talk about in “Guys’ Guide” can apply throughout your experience as a parent. Like showing empathy for what your partner is going through. My wife, for example, saw that I was having an extremely difficult time in the early months of us having twins. I was getting angry and upset and just not acting myself. She easily could have pointed out that she was the one nursing twins (yikes!), but she had empathy for me trying to juggle working full time and being an involved dad. I found a great therapist and my wife found time for me to have some solo time when needed. That all starts with communication — and guys in general aren’t as good about talking about what they are feeling. You see symptoms, not root causes.

What did you see as the greatest challenges and rewards of being a new parent? And have those changed as your children have gotten older and you have more years of parenting under your belt?

Every year has been my favorite year. I can’t believe how big my kids are and what they can do now. My daughter got a “#1 Dancer” trophy after a ballet recital as a token of appreciation, and she clutched it like she won an Oscar. “I can’t believe I’m the number one dancer!” she told us. That’s the kind of moment you always cherish. And why you stay up all of those late nights, clean all of those bottles, and wipe all of those butts. Your kid, the same human who at some points makes you want to Google “boarding school for babies”, will also be the one who makes you smile ear to ear over the smallest comment or achievement. That’s parenting.

If you’re interested in purchasing Andy’s books, enter code SIMPLYNICOLE at checkout for 25% off your order on https://www.instafather.com/books/. Autographed editions of both books are available.